Forgive and Forget Or let go and walk away.

Victims 

I think it’s safe to say that at some point in our lives we have all felt like victims for one reason or another.  For as long as people interact with other people there is always going to be occasions where someone offends someone else.  The severity of the offense will dictate to what degree the person at the receiving end will feel offended.  Feeling like a victim can be something that can stay with us for days or even years. Sometimes it can completely take over our lives and robbing us of a happy life.

Let’s begin with those that trespass against others.

Trespassers

If you step on someone’s toes it’s not them who is in the wrong if they stop you.  It’s you.

Conversely, don’t be afraid to push someone off your toes if they are in the wrong.  Your self defense actions don’t make you a non loving being, your offensive actions do though.  So be aware of your own actions and don’t blame everyone else for your short comings.

Not allowing others to step all over you is not a sin, nor does it make you a bad person, an unloving or un-evolved person, however, not allowing others to step all over you makes you a person with self love and self respect and this will spill over onto others eventually – Feel no guilt if you protect or defend yourself!

Forgiving

People talk about forgiving without really understanding the concept.  Forgiving does not mean that you must continually allow others to do wrong by you, or harm you, or insult and offend you.  Not at all.  “Forgive and forget” is a concept designed to generally keep the peace, but this comes at a very high cost to the individual who is being trespassed upon.  Forgiving is as much for your own sake as it is for others, so your main concern should be yourself above others when it comes to forgiving.

If you don’t forgive your trespassers you do more harm to yourself than you do to them because eventually they’ll move on and forget about it.  But you won’t.  You will continue to live with the memory of their offence.  If you don’t forgive, within you, it’s like a trespasser coming into the garden of your mind and emotions and planting a seed.  For as long as you hold on the that anger and resentment you are watering, nurturing and growing that seed.

This will eventually make you more bitter, angry and self-victimized, because offences will mount up over time and your thoughts and memories will be dominated by these events until most of your thinking, and even subconscious attitudes, will be such that people will do, and have done wrong by you.  Over prolonged periods of victim-hood you will project these negative attitudes and even look for them in others, even if they’re are not trespassing upon you.

Forgiving is about letting go

You let go of those memories and offenses when you forgive others, and others feel better about having been forgiven.  That is you being a loving being.  Forgetting is another thing altogether.  You cannot forget.  How can you will yourself to forget something?  It’s impossible.  Once an event is recorded in your memory you can’t delete it.

So if you can’t forget something, what do you do?  You find yourself in quite the conundrum.  What do you do?  Very simply put, you forgive, you let it go, you tell your trespassers that you forgive them (or not, it’s entirely up to you). You truly let it go with the understanding that some people don’t think.  They do wrong to others over and over and don’t bother to stop for a minute to see what effect they are having on others.

The Mindset of Trespassers

Habitual trespassers are incapable, at that stage of their personal development or spiritual/intellectual evolution, of seeing how they affect others.  This is why they do what they do.

The majority of people don’t do wrong knowing fully that they are doing wrong but decide to do it any way.  Usually they are not even aware of the repercussions of their actions.  They see the consequences but not the repercussions, nor do they see their part in the whole process.

A lot of these people only see the consequences.  They see people in conflict with them and can’t understand why this is so.  This makes them feel victimized.  Over time this turns into a more assertive, or even aggressive state of being, or habitual behavior, which spills over onto others by default.  They see bad or evil everywhere.  The fault – in their minds -is always elsewhere.  Outside of themselves.

Something to keep in mind is that trespassers, because they don’t see fault in their own actions, experience conflicts pretty much everywhere they go. Not with everyone, but with a lot of people.  Everywhere.

The effect this has on them is that they become immune, to an extent.  They learn to move on, never really seeing that they are the ones doing wrong. They chalk it down to “others” being bad and they see themselves as being unlucky or unfortunate to be the ones that always get the “bad people” coming into their lives.

Trespassers are like a skunk, yes it sounds funny but it’s true, they are incapable of smelling their own offensive odor but they do see others running away from them, not understanding why they run.  Eventually they walk around with a chip on their shoulder and go on the offensive prior to anyone trespassing upon them.

The Mindset of Victims

People that see themselves as victims also feel that they are unlucky or unfortunate to be the ones that always get the “bad people” coming into their lives.  But they are not unlucky.  That’s just an excuse they use for not standing up and taking responsibility for their lives and for themselves, for their own mindset.

Being weak or soft is what attracts trespassers.  At the same time it’s important to keep in mind that trespassers are everywhere.  Yes, even in your own family, at work, in your social circle etc.  You cannot expel everyone who trespasses upon you from your life, if you do you will be out of a job, with no family or friends and because you are unemployed, you now live under a bridge.

The idea is to learn to acknowledge that there are people that are like skunks and there is naught you can do about them.  Nor should you.  It’s their life after all and you have no right to interfere in it, regardless of who they are (your own children fall under another category of course).

I think a lot of us have come to understand that there is a world out there that is being affected by negative forces beyond our control or understanding.  God, the universe, planetary alignments, collective thinking, society, media, religion, politics are always affecting society, people.  This being the case, which it is, what chance do we as individuals have of controlling other people or circumstances?

The secret is to come to an understanding of people.  Most importantly of ourselves, because it is only ourselves that we can control fully, totally and in every area of ourselves.  We can only control what happens inside our own skin.  Outside of that we have no chance, or very limited chances of controlling anyone else.

If we keep this in mind perhaps we can start to become less sensitive to trespassers, with the understanding that these people aren’t “necessarily” targeting us.  They are just being who they are, how they are and if they repeatedly trespass upon us it’s only because we continually allow them, but not necessarily because they’ve got it in for us.

It’s That Simple

This is where forgiveness comes into play for our benefit.  We need to learn to forgive (let go), knowing that the problem is not really our problem, it’s the trespasser’s problem, which was brought to us.  Not because we are necessarily a bad person or deserving of it or because the universe has us ear marked as victims or has painted a target on our forehead.  The idea is to understand these reasons and conditions and be the observer, not invested in them, but just observing, which becomes easier to do in time as you attain a deeper understanding of human nature, including your own.

You forgive.  You let it go.  Hold no grudges (for your own sake more than for any other reason), but this does not mean that you must also permit these people to remain in your life playing their games with you.  We go back to the first section above;

“If you step on someone’s toes it’s not them who is in the wrong if they stop you.  It’s you.

Conversely, don’t be afraid to push someone off your toes if they are in the wrong.  Your self defense actions don’t make you a non loving being, your offensive actions do though.  So be aware of your own actions and don’t blame everyone else for your short comings.

Not allowing others to step all over you is not a sin, nor does it make you a bad person, an unloving or un-evolved person, however, not allowing others to step all over you makes you a person with self love and self respect and this will spill over onto others eventually – Feel no guilt if you protect or defend yourself!”

The quality of your life is entirely dependent upon your attitude.  It’s time for you to let go of the past because it’s gone, done.  There is nothing you can do about it.  Start fresh, from right here, right now, by living today, this moment, making your own decisions because they suit you, not because they are dictated by others, or because you think a particular outcome or attitude is expected of you.

You only have one, I repeat, one true obligation in life, that is to be true to yourself and live the very best life you can live, for you.  For this to be possible though you must be truthful and honest with yourself.

Remember that both trespassers as well as victims see themselves as victims.

See yourself for who you really are.  Good or bad.  This will give you a start to a new and better life.  It’s entirely up to you and no one else – only you.  Focus on the right things and let go of everything else.

See yourself in a bubble of self love, self respect and self produced happiness for you.  This is not dependent on God, the universe or any outside factor other than yourself.  Also see others in their own bubble, what’s in their bubble is not your business or concern.  What’s in their bubble is what they have generated and produced for themselves and it’s none of your business.  You just focus on your bubble with the understanding that nothing can penetrate your bubble without your permission.

People only as much power over you as you give them.  Sticks and stones and all the rest of it.

Tony Jarrah

Author of

Taming Life – Happiness Is Not a Myth


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