Over the past twenty years or so we have constantly being told that forgiving is not for “them”, it’s for “us”, for ourselves to be at peace.
Anyone that has been a parent in the last 20 years will tell you that if your child is constantly bullied at school they are not permitted to defend themselves because “we don’t tolerate violence”.
The problem is that the bully bullies everyone, every day, and nothing is done to that bully. I’ve had this discussion with a many principals,
teachers, and year coordinators over the years. It is always the same thing, “violence is never OK“. It seems that it is OK for the bully to terrorise all the kids he wants as long as those victims never defend themselves because in that case “violence is not OK“.
I’m not suggesting that violence is the way to get through life, by no means, but they have been conditioning and indoctrinating children to never stick up for themselves, to just take whatever is thrown at them, to be docile, and to be a good little monkey for when they grow up.
As adults we are told that forgiveness is king, to let it go, to find peace by understanding the wrong doers, to be an evolved being etc. You know the drill. We hear it all the time, “Just forgive, man. It’s dragging you down”. My favourite, “Hating someone is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die”. Or words to that effect.
I don’t agree with any of this nonsense!
Forgiving those that are not a constant in your life is easy. You simply walk away and forget about them, but there are many billions or people in the world and you don’t have to allow even a small percentage of them get you down.
Constantly and perpetually forgiving someone that is in your life, perhaps a narcissistic parent, child, sibling, spouse, boss, friend etc. is not an absolute requirement, though. The idea is to take steps to either remove that harmful person from your life or to remove yourself from their life. These people are who they are and will never change. (See the story about the scorpion and the frog).
If you are constantly forgiving your aggressors, in their mind you are giving them permission to continue to harm you. This might not be your intention, but it is certainly what they infer because you have done nothing to stop them. You might think you’re letting it go because you don’t want the hassle of an argument or you don’t want any more conflicts, but they see it as getting away with it so they will continue.
Don’t allow people to tell you that always forgiving is the only, the best, and the most evolved way to proceed. It isn’t. That is just indoctrination. It is nothing more than social engineering for nefarious reasons. None of which involves your well being or growth, let alone your happiness.
Anyone that at some point was at the receiving end of a narcissist will tell you that ultimately, the reason the bad times ended was because they created great distance between themselves and that arsehole. Forgiveness plays no part in that process. Distance does.
They want to confuse you with word salads, terminology, catch phrases etc. but the reality is that when you look at the foundational nuts and bolts of it, when you look at the mechanics of these situations you’ll find that the only way to stop the friction between two parts is to separate the two parts. This is true for mechanical parts, for nature, and also for people.
Forgiving the same person constantly, often for years or decades is ignoring reality and perpetuating the status quo. By doing this you are hurting yourself. That friction will wear at you over time until there is nothing left of you. If you ultimately create that distance but after a long time of being affected by it, there will be some permanent damage done to your psyche and even your spirit. This is difficult to impossible to repair, or fully overcome, even with the passing of time.
When contemplating how to proceed with a constant, regular aggressor in your life, remember that forgiveness usually just gives them free reign to continue to do it to you. This kind of individual doesn’t know any other way. This is the way they are so you can be sure that they will never change. Anyone that has ever been at the receiving end of an aggressor will confirm this.
Forgiveness is alright to do for a once off if you think that it’s OK to forgive a person for something that you feel was a mistake, just this one time. When it’s a constant, or the norm over years, then forgiveness is not the answer, distance is, then forgetting.
NOTE: I post these things because to me they are notes for my writings. It doesn’t mean that I am going through anything personally at this moment. Having said that, I have gone through all the things I write about, even the worst possible things you could ever imagine.
TONY JARRAH
AUTHOR OF
“TAMING LIFE – HAPPINESS IS NOT A MYTH”
“STRESS – UNDERSTANDING THE BATTLE WITHIN”
All rights reserved. © 2023 Tony Jarrah
