I wrote this post on the 16th of August 2013.
As I endured through my painful life – if you could call what I had back then a life – I was licking my wounds, nursing my bruises, lamenting my loses and suffering the monumental, soul destroying defeats life had inflicted on me. I finally discovered myself. After decades of suffering, some of it self inflicted, I finally learned the lessons of releasing the past and letting go of the ridiculous ‘ideals’ life had brain washed into my core beliefs. I finally detached myself from materialism and the need to be accepted by people that had trespassed upon me or invaded my space, my energy field. I awoke. I became self aware.
At this point I started to feel, not unhappy, because I could hardly label it ‘happy’, but the pain was gone. I began to nurture myself. To love myself. To respect myself. To feel at ease.
I now had nothing, nor did I have anyone. I was alone, lonely, empty, home-less. My battered spirit and broken heart were on the mend. Slowly, but on the mend nonetheless. There was nothing creating new wounds.
There is definitely something to be said about stripping one’s self completely naked and burning everything one didn’t come to this world with. Resignation is releasing. It is the letting go of the luggage one accumulates over the years and carries around, the luggage that weighs us down more and more with every new scar. This experience affords us the opportunity to start again with a clean slate, wound-less, scarred, but pain free and wound-less. Without the fear of loss. Without any fears. There is nothing left to lose. But with the knowledge that from the bed of rock there is only one way – UP!
This cathartic experience relieves you of the sorrows, the bitterness, the anger and the self victimisation, if done deeply, honestly, courageously and completely. This experience allows one to think clearly, emotionless, in a non invested manner, which in itself allows for true views of life. I know that philosophically one can question what truth is, but in this instance, I am talking about my own truth. Not an all encompassing truth. Not someone else’s truth. Just my truth as I knew it from my vantage point, after all, life had brought me to this point and from this point is the viewpoint that I have.
It is surprising and amazing that when you get to this point, you begin to experience a new life. You might imagine that by letting go of absolutely everything and everyone you might feel as though you have lost the fight. As you surrender to the inevitability of drowning and dying, so to speak. Nothing could be further from the truth though. At this point, you begin to appreciate the fact that you have food in your belly. That you have a bed to sleep in. And you even appreciate the ability to scratch your own nose unassisted.
Consider that in your previous life, prior to hitting rock bottom, the life full of pain, misery, anger, bitterness and regrets you felt very negative about everything, including yourself. I know I did. Almost to a point of self destruction. This feeling draws nothing but negativity into your life experience. Not only that, it also anchors you to the past. The very past that brought you pain, misery, anger, bitterness, regrets etc. WHY? Why do we do this to ourselves?
I had finally had enough. I wanted it to end. I wanted to check out. It wasn’t fun and I was sure I had accomplished what I came here for. To suffer. I wanted to go back home. My human experience wasn’t a good experience. I was sure I was willing the end to happen. I was certainly on my way there. Fast.
After I awoke though, I began to see life from a different perspective. I began to enjoy and like it, again. I wasn’t happy, but I wasn’t miserable any longer. I just was and it didn’t hurt to exist any more.
When you get to this point, you might not be shining bright, but there is a light in you. It may not be very bright, but it has reignited again. This is a good thing. There is no longer any darkness. By that, I don’t mean the absence of light type of darkness. I mean there is no negativity type of darkness. The bad type of darkness. The one that exists because there is no love inside. This is the best time to be. A time of new beginnings. A time where you can write your own book of paradigms. Your own rules and philosophies. A time to reinvent yourself your way. Not the self that developed by default over time, a self that had no structure or design, the self that was a picture made up of left over pieces from many unfinished jigsaw puzzles.
When you deliberately create this environment and situation, when you cut the tether to your old life, when you give up the fight, when you’ve had enough and you finally hit rock bottom, you begin to feel something different. It confuses and scares you at first because it is unfamiliar, but it is comfortable and you might even feel a little contentment. This lack of pain frightens you at first. But after some time, when this feeling not only isn’t going away, but it is also intensifying, you begin to enjoy it. You smile for no apparent reason. You walk with a spring in your step. Your cup filleth over, so to speak, and that cup begins to overflow onto others.
It’s ironic that you had misery in your life by trying to please others. After all this work, after letting go and releasing, after stripping yourself naked, when you have nothing else, not even a sense of self, you begin to fill your own cup, with nothing. With no one. And then you begin to please others just by being you and without emptying your cup again. Your new state of being makes this a self replenishing cup that never ends. And it is no longer difficult or painful to please others. It is not a chore. It is no longer an action or a choice on your part. It just happens. Like the sun warming your face without effort.
In this state of contentment and appreciation you are in a positive state. Your energies shine bright after a while, but it can only happen if you are absolutely courageous and truly honest with yourself. That is the only way to shine again. No ifs or buts about it. In this state of contentment, and because you are shining brightly and vibrating high, you begin to draw good things into your existence. You are now courageous, strong, more intelligent, wiser, more loving and easy going. If you have truly done the work.
This level of contentment, this positive magnet that you have become begins to draw good people into your life. It draws good situations, opportunities and more reasons to be content. Occasionally this state also gives you the odd negative experience every now and then, though. Just to test you out. The very religious might say this is the devil trying to take you back. But the reality is, at least for me, that the universe is just trying to remind you of the hard lessons you have learned. It is important not to fall back into the old ways. The ways which brought you to a point of despair in the first place.
When you get to a level of contentment, the universe wants to reward you with happiness. Perhaps this happens by having a great job present itself to you. Or a great car. Or fantastic people coming into your life, most of whom were not there before. These people can be a positive influence in your life. The universe might even reward you with love. A lover. Perhaps this is the one that has been patiently waiting in the sidelines for you to make this change. Waiting for you to release all the crap and come out of your cocoon.
How do you know if you have reached this level of contentment? When you no longer have fears, hatred, bitterness, resentment, regrets, envy, jealousy or any other negativity in your heart. When you have truly let go of everything that harms you or others. When you wake up one day and as you are brushing your teeth, you come to a sudden realisation that you are happy without the fear of losing that happiness. When people, regardless of who they are, or situations, regardless of what they are, no longer affect you negatively. When you can easily keep calm and negativity free. Even if your world is falling apart around you. When you no longer feel the need to amass material things or bragging rights about anything.
Remember that this is only the cocoon breaking away to allow you to be free. The way you were always meant to be. The way you always had the power to be. Yes. YOU. The one reading this. There is nothing stopping you from being happy if you choose to be.
This, in part, is my story and this is where I am now – Happy and well rewarded by the universe, which I call Joe for short 🙂
Tony Jarrah
Author of
“Taming Life – Happiness Is Not a Myth”
All rights reserved. © 2015 Tony Jarrah
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