I read a quote that said something like;

“Trauma survivors crave honesty and authenticity.

We’ve had to fight for our ability to think clearly and know who we are.

We aren’t willing to engage with those who don’t honor that.”

My view is that trauma survivors always see clearly through their times of trauma.

The real problem for them starts with;

a) Out of fear they usually keep their mouth shut to avoid more, or potentially bigger problems.

b) When they do say something they end up being told that it is their fault anyway so in the end they always rhetorically themselves ask, “Why bother?

This leads to their bigger problem, which is that they cannot reconcile that reality in their heart and soul so their pain becomes exponentially greater as times goes by, which exposes them more and more to the cause of the trauma.

This is an extremely damaging and vicious cycle that creates a battle between- “How do I stay and continue to take this abuse at my detriment?“, against “How can I leave and break everything up in the process of escaping this torment?

This is especially more difficult when there are children involved in this toxic relationship.

Trauma victims always end up telling themselves- “Once again I’m the bad guy so once again I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.” Every time this occurs they feel an indescribable, excruciatingly painful wave of pain slowly but powerfully squeezing their heart. This is not a metaphor but rather a literal reality for them, one that sometimes lasts for years, decades, or even a lifetime.

[Enter Depression and anxiety]

The question is, if push comes to shove, to whom can they better survive being the bad guy to, themselves or their aggressor?”

It is because their conscience is in this perpetual tug of war with their soul’s need to escape and find peace that hurts them as bad, if not worse than the trauma does, and that is what tears trauma victims apart so badly.

That is the bigger problem- their conscience. Being stuck in this never ending loop of pain and fear is incredibly exhausting and soul destroying for them.

This “looking for honesty and authenticity” comes later. Much later. Well into the healing process or beyond.

For some people, depending on the magnitude of their pain and damage, as well as on the strength of their own fortitude, contemplating the idea of ever letting someone close will never come again. The gates are welded shut for ever.

This is a sad loss but in their eyes, at least they survived after working up the strength and courage to escape, which then lead them to live in peace. This is a high price to pay for peace but a price well worth pay.

Tony Jarrah

Author of
Taming Life – Happiness Is Not a Myth
“Stress – Understanding The Battle Within”

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