I read a quote about surviving trauma that said something like;
“Trauma survivors crave honesty and authenticity.
We’ve had to fight for our ability to think clearly and know who we are.
We aren’t willing to engage with those who don’t honor that.”
My view is that trauma survivors always see clearly through their times of trauma.
Their real problem starts with;
a) Out of fear they usually keep their mouth shut to avoid more, or potentially bigger problems.
b) Trauma victims complain about the abuse they are receiving sometimes. When this happens the abuser accuses the victim of being at fault. In the end they always ask themselves, “Why bother?“
The above lead to their bigger problem. They cannot reconcile that reality in their heart and soul so their pain becomes exponentially greater as time goes by. This keeps them anchored to the cause of the trauma.
Being The Bad Guy
The above is an extremely damaging and vicious cycle. The question is- “How do I continue to take this abuse?“, Versus “How can I leave and cause pain“. When surviving trauma, if push comes to shove, to whom is it more acceptable to be the bad guy?”
Trauma victims always end up contemplating the following- “Once again I’m the bad guy. Once again I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.” Every time this occurs they feel an excruciating wave of pain slowly but powerfully squeezing their heart. This can cause a deep depression, anxiety, and sometimes worse. This is not a metaphor but rather a literal reality for them. This reality sometimes lasts for years, decades, or even a lifetime.
It is because their conscience is at war with their soul’s need to escape that hurts them so bad. Sometimes more than the trauma itself does. That is what tears trauma victims apart so badly. This never ending, relentless internal conflict in their mind and heart. That is the bigger problem- their conscience.
Being stuck in this never ending loop of anger, pain and fear is incredibly exhausting and soul destroying. But how does such a gentle soul decide whether to sacrifice themselves? On the one hand they must keep taking the abuse. On the other hand they wish to detach themselves from the abuser, which will end up hurting said abuser? The latter is unacceptable to the victim. It is in their nature to not want to cause anyone any pain.
What To Do?
You might think the answer to that question is a no brainer, but let me assure you, it isn’t. For a victim of trauma, because of their natural make up, either way would be equally as destructive. Unacceptable. Leaving the relationship will hurt the aggressor. Staying put will hurt the victim. This is why victims of trauma almost always stay and take the abuse, sometimes for a lifetime. They will almost always choose to sacrifice themselves before causing someone else pain. Even the aggressor.
For some people, the idea of ever letting someone in will never come again. The gates are welded shut for ever. This is a sad loss for the victims of trauma, but it is also good for them, it leads them to live in peace. They understand that this is a high price to pay, but they feel it’s a better option than staying.
A Brighter Outlook on Life.
To be clear, when discussing surviving trauma I am talking about emotional trauma at the hands of a narcissist.
Victims of trauma suffer tremendous pain while enduring the conditions that result in the trauma. The reason these people go through this is because they are gentle souls. Underneath all the bravado they show sometimes, or their apparent indifference, behind all the masks they have to wear every day, there is a very soft and gentle soul. That is the reason they suffer.
People that are better equipped to deal with abusers don’t suffer to the same degree because they are tougher. Perhaps those people a more street smart, so to speak.
Trauma survivors are a different kind of beautiful. They are innately loving, patient, tolerant souls that will give the shirt off their back to someone in need. That is the reason they find themselves surviving trauma in the first place. Sure, sometimes they appear to be rough and tough, but that is just a self defense mechanism. Like I said, it’s just bravado.
You might never come across a better human being than a healed trauma victim.
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You can heal your life. You have nothing to lose, and remember,
Thoughts Have Power.
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