If you’re someone who’s always drawn to fixing others, you’ll know that breaking the cycle of being a fixer is easier said than done. It’s one of those things that starts with good intentions—you see someone struggling, and something in you says, “I can help.” So you dive in, you start peeling back the layers, digging into their pain, listening deeply. They feel understood, maybe for the first time, and you feel like you’re making a difference. But somewhere along the way, after much pain and suffering of your own, you start feeling that breaking the cycle of being a fixer starts feeling like something you “need” to do, not just something you want to do.
People dealing with a lot of baggage can feel like they need someone who “gets” them, and you become that person, giving so much of yourself to help them heal. Over time, though, you can end up carrying their emotional weight. You become so close to their struggles that their pain starts seeping into you, like energy passing from one person to another. Before you know it, they’re feeling lighter, like a load has been lifted, and you’re left feeling drained, almost as if their burdens have stuck with you.
So how do you actually go about breaking the cycle of being a fixer? First, it helps to look at why you’re drawn to this role in the first place. Sometimes it’s a natural response to witnessing pain or hardship early in life, like growing up around people who were always hurting or in conflict. You learn to take on that role of trying to smooth things over, to help. But this habit, however well-intentioned, can turn into a pattern where you’re always seeking out broken people to “save,” because, consciously or not, it feels like that is your way of showing you care. And that’s where it becomes a problem—not for them, but for you.
The tricky part about breaking the cycle of being a fixer is that this energy exchange with people can be contagious. When you spend a lot of time around someone with a heavy heart or a lot of unresolved issues, it’s almost like their energy becomes part of yours. You absorb it, sometimes without even realizing it. And as they begin to heal, you start to feel weighed down. They might see you differently too—no longer as the strong, supportive person who’s there to help, but as someone who now seems burdened or worn out. So, as they start feeling better, they drift away, leaving you with all the energy they’ve offloaded, and the cycle just keeps going.
In breaking the cycle of being a fixer, it’s crucial to recognize how deeply rooted this role can be, especially if you’ve spent years—maybe even decades—living this way. It’s easy to keep falling into the same pattern, feeling drawn to people who need healing. But recognizing the cost to yourself is the first step to changing it. It takes real honesty, even a kind of “detox” from people who are always seeking help, so that you can protect your own energy and stop that constant drain. And in doing so, you might find that you have more energy and focus to work on yourself, instead of pouring it all into someone else’s healing.
Breaking the cycle of being a fixer isn’t easy, especially if you’ve felt this way for most of your life. But by stepping back and looking at how it affects you, you can start to change the way you approach relationships. And instead of feeling drained, you can find a better balance—one that lets you care for others without carrying their burdens as your own.
About the author:
Tony Jarrah is an Author from Melbourne, Australia.
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