People have been telling us for decades that we should forgive others for our sakes, not for others’ sakes. Forgiveness, apparently, is for ourselves. It is there that we will find peace.
For many years the school system has been telling you that if your child is bullied at school he is not permitted to stand up for himself. They say “we don’t tolerate violence”.
The problem is that the bully bullies everyone, every day, and the schools do nothing to stop that bully. I’ve had this discussion with a many principals, teachers, and year coordinators over the years. It is always the same thing, “violence is never OK“. It seems that it is OK for the bully to terrorise all the kids he wants. On the other hand, the victims, are never permitted to defend themselves. because in that case “violence is not OK“.
I’m not suggesting that violence is the way to get through life, by no means. However, they have been conditioning and indoctrinating children to never stand up for themselves. For the past 20 years, or more, schools have been teaching kids that they must take whatever is thrown at them by the bullies. They must be be docile, and a good little monkey for when they grow up.
Even us, as adults are told that forgiveness is king, to let it go. We are told to find peace by understanding the wrong doers. We must be an evolved being etc. You know the drill. We hear it all the time, “Just forgive, man. It’s dragging you down”. My favourite, “Hating someone is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die”. Or words to that effect.
I don’t agree with any of this nonsense!
Forgiving those that are not a constant in your life is easy. You simply walk away and forget about them. The problem is that there are many billions or people in the world. Imagine if you had to forgive even a small percentage of those that get you down.
Constantly and perpetually forgiving someone that is in your life, is not an absolute requirement, though. Perhaps a narcissistic parent, child, sibling, spouse, boss, friend etc. The idea is to take steps to either remove that harmful person from your life or to remove yourself. These people are who they are and will never change. (See the story about the scorpion and the frog).
If you are constantly forgiving your aggressors, in their mind you are giving them permission to continue to harm you. This might not be your intention, but it is what they infer because you have done nothing to stop them. You decide to let it go because you don’t want the conflict once or anymore. Your aggressor on the other hand, will continue to do their thing for as long as you do nothing to stop them. In their minds, the absence of pushback from you means that they have a green light to continue.
Taking Control
Don’t allow people to tell you that always forgiving is the only, the most evolved way to proceed. It isn’t. That is just indoctrination. It is nothing more than social engineering for nefarious reasons. None of which involves your well being or growth, let alone your happiness or peace.
If you survived a narcissist you know the reason the bad times ended was because you distanced yourself from them. Forgiveness plays no part in that process. Distance does.
They want to confuse you with word salads, terminology, catch phrases etc. However, the reality is that when you look at the foundational nuts and bolts of it, when you look at the mechanics of these situations you’ll find that the only way to stop the friction between two parts is to separate the two parts. This is true for mechanical parts, for nature, and also for people.
Forgiving the same person constantly, often for years or decades, is ignoring reality and perpetuating the status quo. By doing this you are hurting yourself. That friction will wear at you over time until there is nothing left of you. Prolonged exposure to this friction will produce permanent damage to your psyche and even your spirit. This is difficult to impossible to repair, or fully overcome, even with the passing of time.
Moving Forward
When dealing with such an aggressor, consider that forgiveness just gives them free reign to continue on their way. This kind of individual doesn’t know any other way. This is the way they are so you can be sure that they will never change. Anyone that has ever been at the receiving end of an aggressor will confirm this.
Forgiveness is alright for a once off. It’s OK to forgive if it’s something that you feel was a mistake, just this one time. When it’s a constant, or the norm over years, then forgiveness is not the answer, distance is. Then comes forgetting.
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You can heal your life. You have nothing to lose, and remember,
Thoughts Have Power.
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